in Islam!

By Anis Albasha

Photo from Pixabay

In one of the Islamic websites, I came across a question by a Muslim woman who reached out for a consultation. The woman has been married for 17 years and she has 4 children. All of a sudden, her husband told her that he wanted to get a second wife. The wife couldn’t believe what she heard, nor could she accept this hurtful desire by her husband. However, the Muslim theologian who answered her said that, if her husband insisted, then she had to be patient and she shouldn’t argue but rather she had to try to win him over! This kind of consultation may sound provocative for non-Muslims, but it is expected in Muslim societies where polygamy is allowed.

Though polygamy is often associated with the Islamic doctrine, this ancient tradition has been practiced by cultures from all over the world. The question is: What is the basis of polygamy in Islam? And is it practiced in Muslim societies according to that basis?

First of all, it is a common misconception that polygamy means one man married to multiple wives. In fact, the real term that describes the case in which a man has more than one wife at a time is “Polygyny”. On the other hand, when a woman has more than one husband at one time, this is called “polyandry”. So, polygyny and polyandry are two forms of polygamy. However, the term polygamy is widely used to describe the marriage of one man to multiple women probably because polygyny is more common than polyandry.

Surprising as it may be, the history of polygamy dates back to a long time ago. Some anthropologists believe that polygamy has been the norm through human history. For instance, the biblical King Solomon is said to have had 300 wives, along with 700 concubines. According to the Jewish Encyclopedia ‘While there is no evidence of a polyandrous state in primitive Jewish society, polygamy seems to have been a well-established institution, dating from the most ancient times and extending to comparatively modern days’. During the Protestant Reformation, Martin Luther said, “I confess for my part that if a man wishes to marry two or more wives, I cannot forbid him for it does not contradict the Scripture.” 

More recently, I have read that Mormon populations in North America practiced polygamy until the 1890s, when the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints officially abandoned its doctrines on the matter. In 1998, the University of Wisconsin surveyed more than a thousand societies. Of these just 186 were monogamous. In his official visit to the UK in 2010, the former president of South Africa Jacob Zuma was criticized by the British press for being married to three women. But the Zulu ethnic group, of which Mr. Zuma is part, practices polygamy.

Therefore, polygamy – or polygyny for more accuracy- is not an Islamic invention or tradition.  However, it is practiced in many Muslim societies. In fact, Muslim women in general would not accept having a co-wife, but they cannot stand against the practicing of polygyny. Despite the fact that the vast majority of Muslim men are monogamous, most Muslims, even those who are still single, would vigorously defend polygyny! 

This fanatic defense is based on the belief that polygyny is permitted in Islam. Unfortunately, this belief is backed by most traditional Muslim theologians who look at polygyny as a privilege granted to men. We saw an example of that in the answer of the Muslim theologian to the woman who complained about her husband’s wish to marry another woman. In his unreasonable reply, that theologian told the woman “remember that your husband does not want to have a second wife because there is something wrong with you, rather it’s just his desire to do so. And there is not much we can do to control that. At the end of the day, you will be rewarded for your patience.”

So, whether Muslim women agree or disagree with it, as they were told and in order to get God’s reward, they have to accept polygyny and they shouldn’t complain about it.  This concept has been instilling in the minds of Muslim women since an early age. That's why many Muslim women accept polygyny as a fact no one has the right to stand against it since it is a 'divine' privilege granted by God to men. This might sound surprising, but the justifications provided by Muslims who support polygyny have no real ground in Islam! In fact, like many other issues, Muslims' masculine collective approach has played a major role in the misinterpretation of this concept.     

One of the most famous arguments provided by polygyny devotees is that having another wife would be a fair option when the first wife gets seriously ill and wouldn’t be able to take care of her husband or her family. The second argument that justifies polygyny is when the wife is sterile and her husband wants to have kids as a basic right for any ‘human’! So, according to polygyny promoters, it would be much better for the wives in those scenarios to stay married and to be protected and supported rather than getting a divorce!

Such arguments are actually based on a racist masculine perspective which believes in the superiority of the male sex and looks at the female sex as a merely subordinate and inferior creature. If someone asks those who provide such arguments, what would the scenario be if the husband was the one who gets ill or was the one who is sterile? Polygyny backers would immediately answer by saying that in this case, the wife should be patient and she would be rewarded by God in the hereafter!

In one of the Islamic websites, I read a question by a Muslim woman who asked for a consultation. The woman had been married for 17 years and she has 4 children (so she is not ill, nor is she sterile). But her husband told her that he wanted to get a second wife and she couldn’t accept that hurtful wish by him. She couldn’t even believe that he thought about that. For me, the woman was absolutely right and her husband was totally wrong.  But the Muslim preacher who answered her has a different opinion. He said that, if her husband insisted, then she had to be patient and she shouldn’t argue but she had to try to win him over! He also advised the woman by saying the following “remember that he does not want to have a second wife because there is something wrong with you, rather it’s just his desire to do so. And there is not much we can do to control that. At the end of the day, you will be rewarded for your patience.”

To be honest, though that answer really provoked me, it didn’t actually surprise me. These kinds of consultations in many Islamic websites do not consider the feelings and the emotions of the hurting wives. Most responses in such cases deal with women as they were subservient creatures who had come into existence solely for the purpose of amusing the husbands and breeding the children. In other words, whatever men want, women should be patient and they shouldn’t complain because they will be rewarded in the Hereafter!

But away from this ‘masculine’ way of thinking, what is the real Islamic perspective regarding this issue? Well, first of all, marriage as a sacred union which takes place only between a man and a woman is highly encouraged and promoted in dozens of verses in the Quran. Among the 6236 verses of the Quran; there is only one verse that talks about the issue of polygyny: 
((You shall hand over to the orphans their wealth. Exchange not the good for the bad (in your management thereof) nor absorb their wealth into your own wealth. For this is indeed a great injustice. And if you fear that you will not be just in dealing with the orphans, then marry such women as seem good to you - you may marry two, three, or four, but if you fear that you will not do justice, then only one or that your right hands possess. This is more proper that you may not do injustice))

This one verse was misinterpreted by most Muslim traditional theologians. For unknown reasons, the very obvious condition which was underlined before giving the permission to go ahead and marry more than a woman, has been neglected. Anyone reads the above mentioned verses can easily notice that the permissible polygyny has a clear connection with the “orphans”. In other words, Quran does not give Muslims carte blanch to marry more than one woman for sexual pleasure or for any other reason that is not pertinent to the orphans. On the contrary, the Quranic norm is monogamy and polygyny is allowed only in one certain exceptionable circumstance with strictly enforceable condition for doing justice to orphans.

That is to say, if there is a widow and there is someone who wants to help her raising her children, this person can then marry her. But this person should be already married. The sentence ‘you may marry two’ implies that there is already a first wife. More important, that person MUST deal fairly with his children from his first wife and the children or the orphans of the widow he intends to marry. The verses lay down strict condition for treating ‘all children’ fairly as the verse says: ‘And if you fear that you will not be just in dealing with the orphans’. Otherwise, if there is a fear that those orphans are not going to be treated fairly, those who want to marry widows in order to help them should be content with one wife. So, Polygyny is permitted in Quran with strict proviso for fair and equal treatment as well as cautioning against any injustice towards the children who are the cornerstone of the whole issue of polygyny.    

We have to know that polygyny is not permitted in Islam to please men but to address a demographic social situation which may occur from time to time. People may agree or disagree with this approach, but we have to remember that during wars, the number of widows is increased. The prevailing tone of these verses was the wars that left huge numbers of widows and orphans. Besides, the fear of ‘injustice’ is stressed twice in the context of these verses which puts a stress on the moral side of polygyny. It indicates that polygyny should be strictly regulated and the decision of taking a widow as a second or a third wife should not be left entirely to individual desires even if those desires are motivated by noble intentions. 

As for the fact that Prophet Mohamed, peace be upon him had more than one wife. First, for the first 50 years of his life, Prophet Muhammad was in a monogamous marriage and had only one wife who was older than him. He only had multiple wives during the last 12 years of his life. Second, all of the marriages in that later period of the Prophet life, with the exception of Ayesha, were to women who were old widowed or divorced. The multiple marriages of Prophet Mohammed were for human and social reasons not for his own pleasure as a man. 

To conclude, though many people link it to Islam, polygyny is not a practice established by the doctrine of Islam. In Islam, monogamy is the rule while polygyny is an exception which is allowed under strict conditions only to address a social situation. Today, there is no need for polygyny; especially in the modern welfare societies where the state can take good care of its citizens, especially the vulnerable segments in the society or  those who need financial or social need. In other words, Polygyny was permitted in Quran for a noble purpose but it has been misinterpreted and distorted by those who look at everything from a selfish masculine perspective which try to use the religion to justify the unjustifiable. 

Goodbye kindergarten!

By Rasha Almaqaleh

It is summertime now and my son has officially finished kindergarten and is ready to go to school next September! It is really amazing how two years of kindergarten went by so quickly. I still remember my son’s first day in kindergarten in Germany; he clung tightly to me and was so scared.

To be honest, I was scared, too! What is there not to be scared of? A foreign country (it is Germany, for God’s sake!), a different culture and a new language! I was worried about my child and how he would manage especially with the language barrier. It was not about me being overprotective but more about having a good reason to feel worried and anxious.

To my surprise, the process followed in German kindergartens with newly enrolled kids is very considerate. I was informed that there would be an adaptation phase and my withdrawal would be gradual. For that reason, I could accompany my child until he slowly gained confidence and became familiar with the new situation.

  

Therefore, my son and I spent only one hour a day the first week in kindergarten. The second week, the kindergarten teachers extended the time to three hours, with me being there close to him. Third week, the teachers told me that my son was ready to spend the whole day in kindergarten without me being so close. They suggested that I could wait outside the classroom, in the hall maybe or in the area around the kindergarten. On the last day of the third week, my son said goodbye to me with a big smile!

I will never forget how I felt at that moment: content and relieved. I have to admit that I am so grateful to this thoughtful process which eases the separation and doesn’t put any pressure on kids and their parents. I know that in many parts of the world, parents must leave their kids at drop off in their first days, even if the kids are terrified and fretful! Many parents experience a feeling of guilt and dissatisfaction. Fortunately, that is not the case in German kindergartens where the familiarization phase is crucial. 

 I was happy that my son had an encouraging start in kindergarten. What was even more encouraging was how he soon found the rhythm. I felt proud of my kid watching him picking up the routine and getting adjusted quickly. With time, the kindergarten felt like a second home to him and each morning when we dropped him off, he knew where to hang his jacket and backpack. He would take off his street shoes and wear the slippers, say goodbye to us and join the other kids.

One of the things that I really liked about the kindergarten was the wardrobe bench next to each classroom. It makes the kindergarten homey. Under the bench, the kids put their shoes. At the top, each kid has their own hook and shelf. The kids hang their jackets, backpacks, and rain jackets and pants on the hooks. Their slippers, wool hats or any other small stuff go on the small shelves. Each kid has a symbol on their shelf, e.g. sun, flower, ball, etc. My son’s symbol was coloring pencils.

  

What made the kindergarten even homier is the large shelves with the big boxes for spare clothes. Each kid has a box with his or her name on it. The parents are responsible for the contents of the spare clothes box. They should make sure that the box has always spare socks, underwear, shirts, pants, etc. The changing clothes come in handy in accidents!

spare clothes boxes

The kids are basically divided into groups and each group has a name and classroom. At the beginning, I expected that the kids would be divided based on their age, but then I realized that each group was just a mixture of 3 and 6 year old kids. When we asked the kindergarten teachers about that, they said that this was good for the kids so the younger ones learn from the older, and the older learn how to be nice and caring with the younger. 

It was then when I found out that there was no literacy and math instruction in German kindergartens!  Unlike some parts of the world, kindergarten in Germany is not a place where kids start learning the alphabet and how to read and count. It is more like a day care center where kids can spend the day while their parents are at work.

 In other words, kindergartens in Germany are not part of the regular school system. That is why the word teacher “Lehrer” is never used in German kindergartens under no circumstances. There is a special German word to describe the person who takes care and supervises the kids in German kindergarten, which is ‘ Erzieher’. So, basically what happens in German kindergartens is “Erziehung’ and I think the most accurate translation to this word is nurturing or upbringing. So, the German word Erzieher could be translated into 'nurturer' or maybe 'child care worker'.

Therefore, the words 'classroom' and 'teacher' don't really fit in here. However I'm using them in this blog because I don't think that the accurate translations could be used as suitable alternatives.

 So, what does a typical kindergarten day look like? Normally, after the kids hang their jackets and backpacks and wear the slippers, they play freely for some time before the kindergarten’s restaurant opens for breakfast. The kids play either in their classrooms or in the hallway or maybe in the ‘Bewegungsraum’, a room where kids can be active. This room has landing mats, a climbing frame, and a hop ball, and some other balls.

in the Sports room

At 9 O’clock, each kid goes to their classroom. My son was in the ‘Hasengruppe’ which means the bunnies group. They were 21 kids with two teachers. The other kindergarten groups’ names are Kunterbunt(multicolored), Wichtel(elf), Sonne(sun), Waschbär (raccoon).  Each group has its own classroom with all the things that keep kids occupied such as children’s books, toys, games, and some necessary materials and equipment for crafting and coloring.

in the classroom

The classroom of my son's group (Hasengruppe) has different areas. It has a construction corner (Bauecke) which has  building blocks, wooden building bricks, toy cars, etc. In this area the kids engage in construction play and spend some time thinking creatively and forming various shapes together.

 the construction area

In addition to the construction area, there is a house station called the doll corner (Puppenecke). This is upstairs with a nice wooden ladder leading to it. Up there, there is a toy kitchen, a crib, and a small couch with pillows. The kids play with a couple of baby dolls and a mom doll.  There is also another area for painting and crafting. There, kids can sit together around the table and get busy with drawing, coloring or crafting. Every now and then my son would bring home things he made in kindergarten with his teachers. 

 Every morning after breakfast, all kids join their classrooms and start the day with a morning circle called Stuhlkreis; the kids sit together with their teachers, welcome each other, sing a song and read a story or talk about something. When one of the kids has birthday, they sing for him or her. The birthday kid then gets to pick up a birthday gift from a box full of various gifts. 

celebrating his sixth birthday in the morning circle

The morning circle takes around half an hour. After that, the kids might stay in their classrooms and play together or they may go out to the kindergarten playground, or what the kindergarten teachers and kids call : ‘draußen’ which means outside.

Lunchtime is around 12: 30 and the kids gather in the kindergarten restaurant (Kinderrestaurant). Even though my kid is such a picky eater, he would come home saying that they had this or that for lunch and it was yummy! He would ask me to cook for him something they had in kindergarten and when I did, he would say : "No, mom! That's not how we eat it in kindergarten! It doesn't taste the same!" Well, I can't say that I, as a mom, wasn't offended!  

the kindergarten restaurant 

After lunch, the kids have another hour of free play before it is tea time. This was my son's most favorite time of the day. Despite the name, no tea is served at the tea time! The kids sit at the table in the classroom and have a snack such as fruits, vegetables, cookies, milk, etc.  

Although academics are not taught at all in kindergarten, the kindergarten offers playful learning opportunities.. My son has learned many nice and important things and acquired some necessary skills that he will definitely need in school and in life in general. For a starter, he picked up the German language so fast that his kindergarten teachers were so impressed! When he started kindergarten, he didn’t know a word in German.

Moreover, Tuesdays are dedicated to field trips under the title 'nature day' (Naturtag). This is an activity for the kids who will go to school next year (Schulkinder). The school kids usually go on a field trip in the morning time. They take their backpacks, a snack and something to drink and they head to the woods or to the Town Park. They might build a tent or collect stuff from the woods. Sometimes, they may take the bus and go further, to another town to visit an interesting attraction for kids such as a zoo or a lake.

 At the beginning, my son was not interested at all in the field trips and would be reluctant to go to kindergarten on Tuesdays. It took him some time to be on board. What was really nice about the field trips was that the teachers made a binder for each kid and kept in it all the activities they did and the things they learned. I was impressed when I flipped through my son’s binder when he brought it home in the last days of kindergarten! I saw that he was involved in nice activities and learned something about nature, animals, insects, etc. He obviously had such productive days!

pages from the field trip binder

In addition to the field trips, the kindergarten teachers prepare some major weekly activities for the kids such as workshops carried out by specialized persons to explain a topic such as energy or the importance of brushing the teeth, etc. My son came home one day talking about the food chain! He said that they made one in the kindergarten with the teachers. 

The teachers prepared a binder for each kindergartner to capture such activities and memories.  In the last week of kindergarten, my son brought home his binder along with a nicely wrapped picture of his group. I was so happy to go through this binder and take a look at my son’s performance and progress in kindergarten.

pages from the kindergarten binder

Another skill he picked up in kindergarten is how to make friends and how to socially interact. Culturally, he learned about some traditional German festivals such as ‘Fashcing’, ‘Herbst’, ‘Weinachten’, etc. 

Fasching

Another nice thing in German kindergartens is the ‘Friendship book’ (Freundebuch). This is a memory book and each kindergartner buys one for themselves and pass it to the other kids and also to the teachers so they can put their photos and write their names, birth dates, etc. This way, when the kids grow up, they still can remember everyone they spent time with in kindergarten! Such a sweet thing to have at a young age!

  

Even though my son’s time in kindergarten was really lovely, it was not without painful moments. One of the kids slammed the door on my son’s hand and his finger got severely injured. The kindergarten had to call the ambulance and we went to the ER. The bone of the finger was broken and the doctors had to put a metal thingy around it for a couple of weeks. That was indeed a painful memory and he had to stay at home for a while before going back to kindergarten. During his stay at home, he got by post a lovely kindergarten postcard from his kindergarten group wishing him all the best. 

Overall, when I see how much my son thrived and how many nice memories he had in these two kindergarten years, I feel grateful. The kindergarten was such a lovely place and the teachers did indeed a great job! They have proved that children can learn so much through play. Even though I already miss my small kindergarten kid, I am so very excited about his next big step in life: school!